Raindrops fell in huge droplets on the windshield of my car as I heard the slow, weakening sound of it’s motor turn off.
“Damn!” I said, hitting the steering wheel with so much anger that it almost fell apart.
“Why here! Why now!” I yelled, all the frustration clear in my voice.
I turned, staring at my car window but all I saw was a steamed up square of glass and a few ‘streaks’ of unclear ‘green’, probably the vast and beautiful flora outside, which at the moment, looked anything but.
I considered wiping the steam away but then a thought came to mind. Robbie. With my finger I tagged his name onto the window being careful every letter.
“…I..E,” I whispered. “There! Done….”
I looked at the name on the window, smiling, then, just as soon as it appeared, the smile was gone and in it’s place were the tears in my eyes. The tears I was now used to. The tears which were now slowly sliding down my cheek, each drop full of so much pain. My pain. The pain that had grown stronger and stronger until it was too much to bear.
I tried. I couldn’t say I didn’t try because I did! From the moment Robbie had walked out my bedroom door I had tried my hardest to forget him, to forget US. To forget the pain he had given me…but now, I was sick of trying. Sick of the tears, sick of the pain, sick of the memories…sick of this life. That is why I was sitting here, in my car, in the middle of nowhere, all alone.
Yesterday night I had been sitting on my bed, staring at the thousands of pictures of us strewn all over the bed, staring at him. His sea blue eyes the looked like little sapphires, almost sparkling. His big, broad smile and the tiny laugh lines framing his mouth. His chocolate brown hair. His muscular arms…I loved it all. I loved him…but he didn’t love me back. He had made that clear the night he left me, said I was too ‘clingy’, but was I really? That’s why last night I had decided on what I had to and I was still going to do it, regardless of my car breaking down! Besides, here was as good a place as any. A person didn’t necessarily need to jump down ‘Lover’s Fall’ to die a lover’s death. After all, ‘Lover’s Fall’ was a mile away, what would be the point of walking all that distance and being half dead when you got there? It wouldn’t exactly be as patriotic as I imagined. My love for Robbie didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that!
“Do it proper or don’t do it at all Claude,” I said to myself, then I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and jumped out.
It didn’t even take a minute before I was completely soaked. The rain was falling so hard it stung. My hair was so wet, it looked as if I’d just had a shower, every strand tightly stuck together, whipping me across the face as the wind blew at it’s hardest. It was time, I thought.
Looking from left to right then back to front then left to right again, I finally decided where to, literally, take the plunge. There was a very narrow crevice a few metres away and it perfect. I walked up to it and stood by the edge, taking my stance.
“Perfect-yeah, but painful,” I said to myself, as I stared down at the ravine below. Funny how it felt so much like staring down the barrel of a gun. Both would cause sharp, sudden death.
“Death,” I whispered, suddenly so nervous that it surprised me. I gulped down the ball of saliva that had formed in my throat and wiped the tiny beads of sweat which had set camp on my forehead. What’s wrong with me? I though. Why am I suddenly so reluctant? And that’s when a thought came to mind.
Maybe he isn’t worth it?-what! Of course he is! He’s the love of my life!-yes, but is he your life? I blinked, my face contorted into an uncomfortable, almost shocked expression. In that one blink’s time everything came crashing down on me like a big block of cement. He’s my love, but he’s not my life…what was I thinking! Killing myself wont make him love me. Not the way I love him! After all, he didn’t care about me while I was alive, why would he care if I was dead? He wouldn’t. He’s not worth it.
I got up and stepped away from the edge of the crevice, my eyes once again filled with warm, stinging tears, except this time it wasn’t because of Robbie, it was because of the fact that I had almost killed myself for a man who didn’t give a shit about me.
“Fuck! I cant believe I almost did that” I screamed, as I fell frantically onto the ground, pushing myself back, as far away from the crevice as possible.
After the shock of what had almost happened had passed away, I got back onto my feet, wiping all the dirt of my pants…the tears were gone. I’m done with crying I thought and turned back to go to my car.
It was still raining, my hair was still whipping my face, and the car windows were still steamy. Everything was still the same…yet everything was so different. I didn’t feel like bursting into tears anymore, or killing myself by plunging into a ravine thousands of feet below, and I knew why. Robbie broke my heart but now all it’s pieces were back together. I was finally over him and I was happy again.
“No more tears,” I said, as I took my cell phone out and deleted every one of his text messages that I’d kept for so long.
“Am I still clingy Robbie?” I said, with a slightly amused smile on my face, and I knew that now, that smile was here to stay.